OK, hopefully that filtered out most people who don't really give a hoot or read just to judge me. Oh, and if you tend to be discouraged easily, I would stop reading as well. I REALLY don't want to ruin your day.
Lately things have been pretty "blah." Seems like my dreams at night are more exciting than what I have to look forward to during the day (last night I dunked a basketball and this afternoon I was in some superhero movie). I have become more and more of a homebody - I'd rather stay home and play video games, watch a movie, or surf the web on my own than hang out with people.
But hang out with whom? I've stopped going to my church's small group temporarily but the longer I wait to go back, the more awkward it is for me to go again. I try to catch up with people just on Sundays after service but it just isn't the same. I have different pockets of people I hang out with at school but it's not a regular crew, so unless I'm feeling social and initiate (not really been the case these days), then nothing really happens with them either.
I've always been reluctant to commit myself to a group of people - it comes from years of moving around and never feeling like I belong to one place. I've had my share of bad experiences from those who did have their "crew" and in turn feeling like an outsider, after which I vowed never to be exclusive and become part of a clique. This has allowed me to befriend people from a variety of backgrounds and given me a desire to branch out and try to be inclusive as possible in social settings, which can be a strength (though it sacrifices the security of having your own crew).
As I go about in my independent and somewhat lonesome journey in this life (which gives me a lot of time to think... which can be good/bad thing), I can't help but notice all the fences that people put around themselves. Then again, I'm humbled by my own act of fence-making and not allowing myself to be vulnerable and get hurt. But why even try when you are convinced that the result won't yield much (if any) fruit? Everyone has their own agenda - be it their careers, spouse, family, etc. It's really hard to imagine a community in the land of freedom and individualty (i.e. the U.S./West) where people really put aside their agenda for the good of the community like in Acts 4:32.
Genuine, heartfelt community, a place where you really feel like you belong and where you don't mind giving hours of your time to get to know the people in it - that desire is something that's implanted in all of us. As much as I give the front that I'm self-sufficient and can survive on my own, my heart cries out for community just as anyone else. But the thing is, my ideals of community collide with my own selfish desire to stay self-sufficient and the reality that most (if not all) communities have something wrong with them - be it personality conflicts, lack of leadership, the wrong motives, etc. So do you choose to love that community despite all that it lacks and/or its faults, or do you choose to continue to strive to survive life on your own?
All this to say, I miss the community that I originally signed up for when I decided to stay here after college, but I don't even know if that community still exists as I knew it in the past or if I'm just being stubborn and unwilling to love/compromise with what's available.
I do know this - that I've had a burden for a while now to watch out for single people, because honestly, married people won't be watching out for single people - they'll watch out for their significant other and/or children before they give a rats about you. That's the sad part of it all, that dating/married people seem to have amnesia about their days as single people and forget the struggles of singledom.
I used to think finding a woman was the answer to solving life's problems. But that's so far from the truth. I need to find myself first and it begins with finding the answers to some deep lingering problems I have with people and with life in general. But without community, finding those answers are hard to do and I end up spending a lot of time "leaning on my own understanding."
So everything's interconnected and I wish there was someone I could just talk things out with and process all this, but I am back to where I started before writing this: alone (hence the reason for blogging, which can sometimes be an act of desperation for one to scream/shout to the world one's thoughts in hopes that an attentive ear will listen). Which is precisely why it seems that my imaginary life (dreams, movies, games, internet) seem so much more exciting than my real life, which wasn't all that interesting to begin with.
I just hope that I am not wasting my time/life that has been so generously given by the Almighty and that there is a purpose in all this as I spend a lot more time contemplating than living/experiencing. Maybe I need to be "Finally Alive" and read John Piper's books (see previous entry).
4 comments:
I'm not sure what to tell you, Fine. I may not comment much, or I may not even have very much constructive to say even when I do, but I AM reading and thinking of you..?
I'm sorry to hear of the struggle you're going through. What I can tell you, at any rate, is that it's not that much easier when you're married (great news, I know). And now, instead of your own busy schedule to juggle, you have TWO busy schedules to juggle, plus a marriage to maintain (which is... well, it's great but it's HARD), so I can see how you might feel like the third, fourth, or fifth wheel. People hardly understand how to make and keep their own relationship commitments, let alone their commitments to a group! This is true of Sharon and me, as we are in a community group at church with a bunch of married couples, and it's hard to maintain consistency in that group because instead of 10 to 15 individuals to keep track of, it's 10-15 sets of families and family agendas (or schedules or inlaws or obligations or careers, etc.).
All of this isn't to be defensive, nor is it in any way meant to be patronizing. I was always sort of confused about how to carry myself while at WashU-- I felt strongly about Sharon and our relationship, but I never quite understood how to express it or channel it or whatever, and I was surrounded by a majority of single friends, and Sharon wasn't even in the same zip code or state, and... it was all a whirlwind. And now, in Birmingham, we too are sort of wandering in terms of community. We like our community group, but it's not like an ACF or IV or even Grace Fellowship (if I may venture to guess) where you're all college kids, living in close proximity and sharing common experiences-- suddenly we're in the Real World, where everyone has obligations, jobs/careers, schedules... the community and camaraderie of late night impromptu prayer sessions and even later night White Castle binges are long gone. Community was available at college (if imperfect), and now as we grow up and apart, it's harder to grasp. I don't know. I want to say I understand what you mean, but I don't pretend to overestimate myself.
Thanks for the feedback, Henry, I do appreciate it! I guess life gets more and more complicated and harder as we get older (more responsibilities, more compromises, etc) and that's just the reality that we face, but sometimes you just want to get away and not deal with it, you know? Anyway, thanks for your feedback.
If I were with you there in STL Fine, I'd play video games with you!
I can't give as insightful of a response as Mr. Tsay up there hehe, but I feel like I went through the same sort of thing last year when I first arrived in Japan. Compared to college, where you have a wealth of people and relationships from which you can choose to develop, my relationships became purely based on the person's ability to speak English - not common interests (that came later with the Japanese bboys), personalities, etc.
I don't have any sort of advice or anything, but I'll say this: i love holeing myself in my apartment every now and then, but at some point, i'll get sick of it; at that point, hanging out with ANYONE is that much more fun than it was before but it also makes me realize how much i appreciate the relationships i do have and how i shouldn't take them for granted.
thanks for the feedback on my blog as well (:
oh, and hi henry!
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