Brought back from the Dead

These past few weeks have been a living hell for me. I have never been to hell so I do not know what hell feels like nor do I want to know, but it's what I perceive hell would be like. Dark, hopeless, devoid of an inkling of happiness. Here are some thoughts that I penned while in this state of mind:

I have lost all faith in humanity. Brokenness and the results of the fall seem insurmountable. There is no one to rely on, no one to trust. Everyone has their own agenda. At the end of the day, you're all alone without a shoulder to cry on. This picture pretty much sums up how it's been lately (and I'm not talking just romantic relationships, it's relationships with all people):



They say, "Love God, love people". But how much more difficult it is to do both those things when all you see is darkness. Where is restoration of this miserable brokenness? I have become obsolete, disconnected, and without purpose. Who would've known this would be the fallout?

Usually episodes of depression occur for a week at most, but this was among the most prolonged ones that I have had (at 2-3 weeks) - without a doubt, I count it as one of the darkest, lowest points in my life. So it is only by the grace of God I am able to type right now with a clear head and restored to my normal self.

How did I get out of my "hell hole", that rut that seemed insurmountable? It was odd, but I was watching the #3 Penn State beat #9 Ohio State on TV and at the very end they did a video highlight of Joe Paterno's years as Penn State's coach (he's been there for a looooong time) - it almost seemed like one of those tribute videos to the great athletes/coaches who passed away (only, Joe Pa is still alive and kicking and taking his team to a Bowl game this year). Anyway, seeing how Joe had made such an impact in his area of expertise (coaching football) over all those years made me take a step back from my depressed state and realize, wow, there are things in this life "worth fighting for" (to make a Samwise Gamgee reference, Lord of the Rings).

Then after feeling like I had no one to unload the burdens placed in my heart (mostly over relationships with people and getting disappointed over them), I finally got a chance to talk to someone - my own mother, whose wisdom and faith cleared the dense fog I had been entrapped in to see things with a different perspective. I had likened myself as a bitter Naomi that had lost all her sons, only I had lost friends I thought were friends. Yet, in reality, I was being the grumbling Israelite in the desert who failed to see the big picture of having freedom from bondage and finding joy in that. Like the Israelites, I complained about my circumstances and neglected to recognize God's presence and sustanance that was always there for me.

Another thing that disturbs me from this episode is that I saw so much brokennness but failed to see restoration of that brokenness that had gotten me so excited in the past. What had happend? I remembered Christ had died, but I failed to remind myself that he also rose from the dead! He has victory over sin! This is why the core Gospel message must be preached again and again - we are forgetful creatures, are we not? My experience with losing sight of the resurrection was devastating, which is why we must continue to remind each other of these simple but essential truths.

Then this morning, the clincher: I felt the need to disengage myself from my usual church of attendance and went to a closer, local church that I had heard about from a friend and sure enough, I had gone in faith and was rewarded - the message was EXACTLY what I needed to hear in my time of coming out of my spell. The message was on Philippians 1, when the Apostle Paul was imprisoned in Rome and sent out some four letters that are part of the epistles. The preacher pointed out how Paul, despite his circumstances found Joy in the Gospel.

I had allowed my circumstances to dictate how I felt and therefore lost sight of the joy that we have in Christ. Like the preacher said, it's like having tunnel vision (or looking into a microscope) and losing sight of the big picture:



I needed his reminder from Romans 8:28, that "we know [and have confidence!] that in all things God works for the good of those who love him." Joy comes from that confidence, and I think that confidence only comes if you really know what you're getting yourself into. Sadly, I have not been faithful in my connecting with God through the Word and through prayer, so that's an area I can improve on to continue to be confident (not dogmatic) in Him, to find Joy in the Gospel in whatever circumstance.

Today and last night were times for surrender, of re-dedication. There's plenty of room to grow still, but hopefully this is another step in the right direction. Praise be to Him who provides the mercy and grace for us to see as He does.